Chapter the 177th: It's All About Her

It's been a freaking long time till I last updated,but I have certain feelings that I can't ignore any longer.Feelings that I can only express through words,so uh...thats why I have you eh blog?

Thing is blog,I feel like I'm stuck.I can't move.It's all because of her.It's always about her.I'm still in love with her.Eventhough I haven't seen her in 4 months.I can't get over her.

It's pathetic.I see her in my dreams.

Johanna,if you're reading this,I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm in love with you.

Chapter the 176th: Leaving

So,gonna leave for national service in a few hours.Will be gone for 70 days.Returning march the 13th.So i'll be in Pelangi Hill Resort at Kuala Kubu Baru Selangor.

I'll miss all my friends and family.

I'll miss my bed with all my pillows.):

I never wanted to do this.I still don't,but im resigned to my fate.Biggest regret would be not being able to say goodbye to Johanna.I want to spend more time with her.I wish there was more time.Just one extra month to hang with her.Not possible?haha

So,take care all of you.

Take care Johanna Loh Jun Yi.Will wait for you to come back.

Goodbye guys!

Blog dead till I return.

P.s:I hate leaving.No matter who is doing it.

P.p.s:I love her.

Chapter the 175th: So Whats In A Name

Was a Merry Christmas for me.It really was.:)

But not because of the day itself.It was because at the end of the day,I finally got to talk to her after such a long time.I miss her so much.Things have been complicated for me lately,and we've grown distant.At least through my eyes.

And I can't stress how much I miss her.Unfortunately,she told me we can't hang out at all.Her parents don't let her go out with anyone outside of church and scouts.So...I wont be seeing her at all.Which means I wont be able to say goodbye face to face.Which means,I wont be seeing her for 5 years.She's not even coming back to get her SPM results.Its...sad.More than sad.I'm devastated.I'm broken.But I'll hide it from the world.Nothing good comes from showing sadness.

I look up whenever I hear her name.Johanna.Joanna.Joana.No matter how its spelled.That name will forever effect me in a way.I'll never be the same again.

A beautiful name.I'll never forget it.

I'll never forget her.

Chapter the 174th: Inspiraccion

Woke up early today.Well,earlier than usual so that I could show up in school to give her moral support for her seni exam.Thought it would suck if she had to do it without any moral support.Turns out I worried for nothing,as she had a couple of people taking the exam with her.I thought she was gonna do a painting of a fish,because thats what she told me she was doing before.Had this temptation to buy a fish for her to use as reference,but I thought it was just gonna end up in the toilet.Thank god I didn't buy it,because she changed her mind.

Left her when the exams started and parted with a hug,somewhat hesitantly on her side.I went home,played a bit of xbox,and came back at 4.45 because the exam ends at 5.Found her walking around changed out of her school clothes,and she was wearing jeans that seem to flatter her and made her look possibly even more attractive than ever.

Oh who am I kidding?The damn girl could be wearing a sack of potatoes and a fish for a hat and she would still be more beautiful than anyone else.Honestly,today was supposed to be the day I confessed to her.Been planning it for awhile.But unfortunately,things don't go my way.As usual.

We chatted about her guy the night before.She was missing him.I was a friend,I understood that.So I played my part,and cheered her up.Didn't expect the topic of him to come up again today,but he did.So I listened to her talk and rave about him.She was always so animated whenever she brought him up.I admit I'm jealous of the guy.Very jealous.I wonder if she talks about me the same way?

She mentioned something that perked my ears.Her parents had read the messages I sent her,and questioned her about my feelings.She laughed and told them we we're just friends and that I didn't like her in that way.Oh how wrong you are.But I can't correct you because I shouldn't.And then you told me how he was angry at you for ending it with him.He didn't want to see your face,he stopped going to church,and I was irritated.This girl,the girl of my dreams,obviously likes you but you tell her to get lost?what the fuck?sure she broke up with you,but what right do you have??You tell her to get lost then tell her you love her,only to get mad at her again?

The poor girl is confused.You are taking the smile away from her face,and thus I will never forgive you.never

But despite this all,she still loves you.It kills me.the smiles I put on lately are extra fake.I want to be her friend,but it hurts a lot.Why am I so weak?

She decided to wait for her parents then,and that was my cue to go.she can't be seen with me.Went seperate ways,but I couldn't take it.I turned around and walked back to her,saying something about using her way is easier and less chance of getting struck by lightning or some crap.I just wanted to see her for another moment.Wanted to burn her face into my memories.

Walked home crying.Thank god it was raining,because she couldn't tell the difference.

There's so many things I want to tell her,but I can't.Someday,she will get the link to this blog,and someday,she'll read all this.When that time comes,I hope she doesn't ignore me or anything.I love being her friend.I don't want to lose this.

A simple rejection will do.Don't overcomplicate things by trying to explain.

34 more days till till she flies off.

34 more days left for me to tell her.

Chapter 173rd: Miserable in Rainbows

Dear blog.Today I'm miserable.

I think I'm the worlds greatest actor.Only around her.Everyone else knows that I have feelings for her.It's obvious.Really obvious.I don't know how she misses it.Or maybe she notices it,but she ignores it.

I'm a friend to her.I know that.I'm not expecting more.I love that.

But I just want her to know I like her.

Thats it.Expect nothing in return.I don't expect to couple with her.Or her to return my feeling.Hell,I'll be surprised if she does.I won't believe it.

But thank god we talk through messages.If she could only see my face when she mentioned his name again.Yea,I'm okay with her liking him.Like I said,we're friends,and friends support each other.But it's only human to cringe when she mentions his name.

right blog?

I'm a bad friend.

Chapter the 172nd: Hey There

Hey there.I doubt you'll ever find this,unless I give you the link,which I might do if I'm crazy enough.And I'm pretty crazy.;)

As I'm doing this I'm actually writing your birthday card.Or bday letter,because I suck at making cards.It'll most probably have everything I'm gonna say here,but this is the full version.This is what I want to write.I'm not good with words,but that seems to be the only thing I can do right,so bare with me for awhile ey?

Hey you.I still remember the time I first met you.It was somewhere around September 2009.We both auditioned for MPT5,but I didn't see you then.It was after the auditions,when I was about to head back home when I saw you sitting on the bench waiting for your dad to come.You had this huge amp beside you,and I was intrigued.So I sat beside you and asked you about it.Then you told me you played violin,and you auditioned New Divide,which you played on the violin.You asked me if I saw you audition,And I lied and told you I did.You saw right through it of course.(:

I then asked you to play for me,and you whipped out your violin and played.I was amazed.And I remember helping you carry your amp back to your car.I couldn't stop thinking of you that night.

A few weeks past and I had the guts to ask for your number.I still have the piece of paper you wrote it on,tho the writings faded.I started to message you,and it was fun.Getting to know a new person,and yeah.I enjoyed it.I developed a crush on you.Hahahaha!Couldn't help it.You were so cute and you liked MUSIC!And you listened to System Of A Down.Anyway,then I heard you had a boyfriend.Woooboy.That crushed me.But I still kept messaging you,coz why should a good thing stop,right?

On you Birthday,8 December 2009,I wrote you a pathetic song.Yeah,it was my first that had meaning and it sucked.But you lied and told me it was good.Haha.You always cared for what others felt.

I'm not sure when it started to happen,But I began falling for you more and more.I realised it by our schools carnival day.The half an hour break you got,and walked around with me aimlessly,was one of the best moments of my life.You kept on messaging your friend who was late,and I kept on looking at you.Slightly mesmerised,at every single aspect of you.The way the wind blew your hair,good gosh I wanted to run my hand through your hair so bad.You were gorgeous.Haha.After the carnival,I walked Liesl back home and I told her about how amazing you were.In fact,I would tell everyone who would listen how amazing you are.I think they're sick of it.Even liesl gets tired when I mention your name,but she's too nice to say it.;) When I got home,I kept playing back the short vids of you I took.I was kinda obsessed in a way.Then I realised how You had a boyfriend.

Damn.Forgot all about him.Haha.But you were happy with him,so it's not like I was gonna sabotage your relationship or anything.No,I wouldn't jeopardise your happiness for mine.In a way your emotions were connected to mine.I'm happy when you're happy,and upset when you are.I was jealous that you liked this guy so much.It hurt me every time you mentioned his name.In the end,I told you to stop mentioning it altogether.I know.I was an ass.I regret it.I really do.I'm sorry.

I think that was the first time I was upset with you.I'm still human,it's not like I can never be upset with you or anything.You're not perfect in my eyes,you're just...right.I ignored you for a week,which was quite an achievement because I made it my mission for you to not go two days without hearing my name.I was doing it not out of spite,but because I wanted to see if you noticed that I stopped talking to you.And you did.When I couldn't take it any longer and messaged you,you told me that you thought I was angry at you.I could never be angry at you.Upset maybe,but never angry.

Then it was time for prom.I was nervous,as I wanted you to be my date so bad.I couldn't imagine going with anyone else.I asked you jokingly on the way to physics,and you told me that you don't want to go with anyone but him.And that crushed me again.You had no idea how long it took to muster enough courage to ask you that one time.But if there's one thing about me I'm sure you know by now,it's that I'm stubborn.I don't give up easily.And alas,A few night before prom I wrote you a very painful message on how I want to go with you just as friends and that it means nothing.You said yes,and it was bittersweet for me,knowing that I had to say it was just as friends to get you to say yes.

Prom night came,and everything didn't matter anymore.The way you said yes,the way I had initially thought you would change your mind,the pain I felt,It didn't matter anymore.You were the only thing that mattered.That night was the best night of my life,because of you.The moment I walked to your table to say hi,the words couldn't come out.You took my breath away,literally.You were stunning,you were breathtaking,you were beautiful,and most importantly,you were mine.For just one night,you were mine.I couldn't believe that you were my date.You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen,and it was then that I realise that I was in love with you.You had become my everything.Everytime your name escaped my lips it was like....I'm not sure what the feeling is.All I know is the world suddenly gets more bearable.

And then I found out you were serious when you told me you were going to move to Australia for 5 years in January.I couldn't help but cry at night.The thought of losing something so dear to me,the chance that you might forget me eventhough you say you won't,it was too much for me to take.I broke down for awhile inside,while maintaining a smile on my face.I had to find a way for you to remember me.I had to do it.5 years is way too long,and I'm sure I couldn't ask you to stay.

Another thing that happened was that you broke it off with him.But I wasn't happy,because I knew you weren't.I supported you instead,in the best way that I could.

And now it's your Birthday again.But it's different.This time I'm sure about my feelings for you.And I'm going to tell you.Before you leave for Australia,I will tell you.Because I've never felt this way for anybody else.This is as sure as I've ever gotten.I won't be able to live with myself if I don't tell you exactly how I feel for you.

I love you.I love you with everything I have.And you are the only girl I want to be with.

And I'll wait for you to come back.With a smile on my face.And It would be ok if you reject me,which I'm sure you will,because I'm me.Nothing much to give here.Nothing much to see.And you're you.The most amazing girl I know.

We're friends.I'm not expecting more,I just want to tell you how I feel about you.We'll still be friends.I wouldn't trade that for the world.

signing off.Take care of yourself aight?I'll always be here for you if you need me.No matter the time or distance.I'll be here.(:

I love you,JLJY.

Chapter the 171st: It's On The Way

So her birthday is coming up,and I'm thinking of giving her something that means a lot to me.Yeah,kinda cheap giving her something secondhand,but it has a lot of meaning to me.

Should I do it blog?

Got to sleep.3 am and I have add maths paper.